Thoughts on Excellence Free E-Newsletter Series
Volume 19, Issue No. 10a
February 1, 2021
By Dan Coughlin
Ego is a tough thing to define and an even tougher thing to grapple with.
I’m a big fan of understanding our Self, which I believe consists of our purpose, character strengths, values, morals, talents, passions, idea processor (introvert or extrovert), temperament, decision-making approach, and sources of self-confidence. When we each understand our Self, we can leverage what we have within us to make a positive difference in the world. When we allow our Self to go unexamined and unchecked, then we can subconsciously move forward in a way that may hurt other people.
And then there is our Ego.
Ego is a very important aspect of our Self, and it requires extra attention. It can drive both healthy and unhealthy behavior.
Our ego can be the container of our self-esteem, and it can also be the container of our selfishness. Our ego can help drive us to do what we didn’t know we were capable of doing in a meaningful and positive way. Our ego can also help drive us to do cruel and mean-spirited things we didn’t know we were capable of doing.
To me, our ego is an organ like our heart or our brain. It’s part of who we are, it’s essential to who we are, and yet we have choices over how we develop it, just like we have choices over how we develop our heart and brain. We can choose to make it healthier or unhealthier by what we feed into it.
And this is where the work really begins.
Healthy Ways to Interact with Our Ego
The healthy ways to interact with our Ego all depend on staying conscious of what is happening within us and what we want to happen within us. Are we basing our self-esteem on how we see ourselves rather than depending on how other people react to us or behave near us?
Here are some questions I encourage you to think about. Then I encourage you to write down your answers.
- What do I see that is good and not so good within my thoughts?
- What do I see that is good and not so good within my intentions?
- What do I see that is good and not so good in my efforts?
- What do I see that is good and not so good in my behaviors?
- What do I want my thoughts to be about in the future?
- What do I want my intentions to be for the future?
- What do I want my efforts to be about in the future?
- What do I want my behaviors to be like in the future?
Now that is a lot of “I” statements, but that’s because we’re talking about our Ego.
Unhealthy Ways to Interact with Our Ego
The unhealthy ways to interact with our Ego all depend on subconscious messages we receive, or think we receive, from other people that we don’t filter through. Are we basing our feelings and beliefs about ourselves on what other people say and do rather than depending on how we see ourselves?
Here are some questions I encourage you to think about. Then I encourage you to write down your answers.
- Am I getting negatively emotional over how another person speaks to me or ignores me?
- Am I getting negatively emotional when another person criticizes me or ignores me?
- Am I getting negatively emotional if another person whole-heartedly disagrees with me?
- Am I getting negatively emotional over how another person runs a meeting or an organization?
- Am I getting negatively emotional because another person has a different temperament, height, body shape, or salary than I do?
- Am I getting negatively emotional because another person is seemingly more popular, better-looking, or more successful than I am?
- Am I getting negatively emotional because it appears that my sibling is getting more praise than I am?
- Am I getting negatively emotional because it appears that another’s person’s future is brighter than mine?
Notice that all of these “I” questions are about our thoughts regarding other people.
Here is the great irony. When we focus on our own thoughts and actions, we can usually make healthy decisions regarding our own Ego. When we focus on other people’s words and actions, we can oftentimes make unhealthy choices regarding our Ego.
Sometimes Feedback Hurts and Helps at the Same Time
One place where my Ego ran amuck between 1996 and 2016 was when I served on a variety of volunteer boards, councils, and committees. I found myself getting into an endless number of arguments and experiencing a variety of intensely negative emotions in my interactions with other people. It was almost like another person took over my body.
During those years I heard two comments that were very painful to hear, but also were very helpful. Here they are:
“Dan, you are not effective in these meetings because you take everything way too personally.”
“Dan, you made the meeting all about you.”
Wow, that hurts a lot to recall, and it is super helpful to recall. Recalling that feedback reminds me of the very stark difference between healthy ways and unhealthy ways of interacting with our Ego.
A healthy way to interact with our Ego is when we set aside time to have a conscious reflection within ourselves regarding our thoughts, intentions, efforts, and behaviors in a given situation. We are consciously discerning what can be learned from the situation.
An unhealthy way to interact with our Ego is when we have an immediate subconscious reaction to other people’s words or actions, or the lack of their words and actions. We are subconsciously assuming things about the other person’s intentions which may or may not be true at all, and those assumptions instantaneously interact with the fragile parts of our Ego.
Healthy ways to interact with our Ego take conscious effort over an extended period of time.
Unhealthy ways to interact with our Ego happen subconsciously and instantly.
Republishing Articles
My newsletters, Thoughts on Excellence, have been republished in approximately 40 trade magazines, on-line publications, and internal publications for businesses, universities, and not-for-profit organizations over the past 20+ years. If you would like to republish all or part of my monthly articles, please send me an e-mail at dan@thecoughlincompany.com with the name of the article you want in the subject heading. I will send you the article in a word document.